Chris The Grouch

Get Out Of My Ashtray!

2009-02-22T22:33:00.003-05:00

Smoking is a horrid habit.

I personally like that when I walk out of a bar now, I don't smell like I just made out with Joe Camel for several hours.

Having said that, should smoking be banned from anywhere? Is it right?

I am not in favor of the government telling us we can't do something. If smoking was that big of an issue to consumers then we would stop spending our money at these establishments. Give restaurants the right to say whether it should allow smoking or not.

People who support banning smoking from restaurants and bars claim that it's also done to protect the waiters and waitresses and that everyone should be able to work in a safe environment.

Tell that to fireman and policeman. Not only that but how many people do you know in the food service industry that don't smoke? Outside of bitching about tips they get from old people and how one day they'll go back to school, I thought smoking was the key part of their job description.

Maybe you are like me and can't stand smoking. The issue with letting the government having more and more control in our lives is they don't stop with smoking.

I also have no interest in riding a motorcycle. I am not in a midlife crisis and don't spend a great deal of my life not being someone who picks up the dirtiest girls on the planet at Hampton Beach each summer.

However, the government continues to control us with helmet laws. If someone riding a motorcycle does not want to wear a helmet, why should the government force us? it's pretty stupid not wearing a helmet...but then again these are the same people who go wild when a 47 year old mother of four takes her top off at Motorcycle Weekend in Lake Winnapesaukee. It's not out of the question that these people want to ride around without something protecting their head.

Let people do what they want. Government control is never the way to go. If someone does not want to wear a seat belt, then don't let them. That should be some one's personal choice. Despite what Uncle Sam says, we can make our own choices.

I don't smoke. I would wear a helmet. I wear a seat belt. But where will the government stop?

But how soon before the government comes after something we like to do?

Just because it's not your freedom does not mean it does not matter.

Actual Bad Publicity

2009-02-13T00:43:00.002-05:00

Great timing Continental Airlines!

Digitally Speaking

2009-02-08T22:24:00.002-05:00

If your television looks like this, I hate you.

Hate.

Well, if your television looks like that and you are reading a blog on the Internet, I am oddly interested with your strange technological priorities. But that's not the point.

I am so tired of hearing about the switch from analog television signal to digital. It haunts me. Every time you turn on the television or dare watch the news, you are beaten to death about the switch. And why? Because 14 elderly people still use antennas?

I love how the FCC's big solution is to have these converter boxes. Really? Converter boxes? Has the FCC met these people that have analog televisions? They have trouble with the complexities of a cardboard box. You want the worst and dimmest among us to walk into a Best Buy, plunk down 50 some odd dollars and then plug the box in properly?

I know the government offered $40 coupons (your tax money hard at work) so people with these shitty televisions could afford these boxes but it ends up they ran out of coupons weeks ago.

Hence, the most recent news. They are actually pushing back the transition all the way until June 12th. Seriously. This means 4 months of this annoyance.

According to the government, there are some 8.5 million people who still have these relics for televisions and never bought converter boxes. An amazing 12% of New Mexico falls into this category.

I guess that makes some sense. I don't know a single person who still uses an antenna. I am sure they exist (in New Mexico anyway) but I don't know them. Even my Nana has cable and even uses OnDemand. And my Nana is old. Who doesn't have cable?

I guess this goes back to how far do you want to country to bend for our citizens that bring the absolute least to the table? Do you think these people pay taxes? They had well over a year to make the switch, could get as much as two $40 coupons and still didn't do it. Is waiting until June going to change anything?

It costs these stations quite a bit of money to run two signals and another reason they are making this switch is that will open up those signals to be used by fire and police stations to keep us safer. Just because Meryl and Ingrid like the Zenith they got from Bloomingdale's in 1972 isn't a reason for the rest of society to suffer, even a little bit.

If you keep waiting for the slowest, fattest,and least ambitious kid to finish the race, everyone loses. Progress shouldn't wait for the bottom to catch up.

Best Of The Best: Seinfeld

2009-02-02T19:43:00.003-05:00

Some people believe the secret to a happy life is nice thoughts or being a Good Samaritan or Cleanliness.

I think that's just a bunch of bullshit.

The secret to a happy life is great timing.

Some timing you can help and some you can't. For instance, let's say you were a Red Sox fan and you were born in 1923 and you died in 2002. That's shitty timing. Outside of ditching the team, you are pretty screwed. This is timing you can't help.

But knowing when to ask for that raise or when to ask out that girl, you can control that. And timing is not all equal. You can put yourself in a better spot sometimes like maybe avoiding Roxbury at 1:30 AM despite really wanting to go a dive restaurant you like there.

Jerry Seinfeld seems like a guy who has a knack for finding the best timing and I think it's most evident on when he ended his show.

He was going to end it the season before. Keep in mind, showrunner Larry David had already left the show earlier and Seinfeld wanted to call it a day before the show got that Happy Days stench to it.

(If you become a cartoon after at one time being a live character, you instantly suck. This was true with Kid N Play, it was true with Bo Jackson and it is true with Fonzie.)

But instead of cancelling the show, they went on for one more year to ensure a huge payday for Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Michael Richards. Jerry was already making $1 million/episode but the rest of the cast went from $150K to an amazing $600,000/episode for that last season.

When Seinfeld announced he was going to call it quits the next season, Jack Welch, the CEO of General Electric (which owns NBC) stepped up to offer Jerry Seinfeld a totally unheard of 5 million bucks an episode.

He said no.

I think this was a really smart move for him and it went a long way to keeping the legacy of his show intact. Would the show have been ruined if it had come back for another season? Nah. But it might have had a weaker season and maybe wouldn't have been remembered as fondly.

THAT'S great timing.

I really loved Seinfeld and I still miss having new episodes even today. This was how me and my friends acted. We were never the people on Friends who sat around a coffee shop hugging each other every time someone did anything better than Chris Burke. We didn't sing songs about smelly cats or dance around in water fountains.

What we did do was constantly make fun of each other and take great joy in doing things at the other's expense. We talked and obsessed about the the smallest things in life.

There have been a lot of television shows since but none I could relate to nearly as much. I have never been a whiny spineless person surrounded by unfunny nags like in Everybody Loves Raymond. I loved Sopranos and Six Feet Under but I am not in the mob or work at a funeral home. I know you know all this already, I just wanted to take a cheap shot at Everybody Loves Raymond which is a great example of a mindless and worthless television show that existed because it was safe and tried oh so hard to work for the "everyfamily". Wacky in-laws? Check! Goofy brother? Check! The same stupid plot each episode (Ray's wife is all pissy about something Ray or his family did and his parents make it worse until Ray and his wife passive-aggressively remember they love each other) ? Check!

You want to know why everyone loved Raymond? Because everyone else on that show was less likable then the Manson family. Has there every been anyone more nagging, shrilly and utterly horrible then Patricia Heaton (Raymond's wife) on that show? The white people in Roots had more redeeming qualities than her.

Enough about that horrid show but I really hate it. Get a divorce and/or move, you whining son of a bitch!

The difference with Seinfeld (and Larry David) is that they never gave a shit. When it came out, people said it was too Jewish or to New York or the cast was unlikable. They didn't care. They just worked hard to make the show as funny as possible and not as safe as possible.

And Jerry knew when to call it a day.

Why Do We Hate Ourselves?

2009-01-28T19:18:00.003-05:00

Look at that picture.

Now go run outside. If things are drastically different, find a good therapist that we can all call.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we deal with the ice, snow, sleet, hat, gloves, shovels and everything that comes with winter?

You will hear some people claim to like to see the seasons change so that's why they live in New England? Really? I call bullshit. If these people liked the change so much, they would be outside in the winter more. I even have proof that no one actually likes the winter.

We have all parked our car at work during a snowstorm. Outside of a friend helping you, have you ever had your car mysteriously cleaned off for you? If the winter was so great, there would be people running around clearing off snow for fun.

Need more proof? If the cold was go great, how come everyone has their car windows rolled up only to roll them down to get food at a drive-thru or to chuck change at a toll. In fact, the same people I know who are pro-winter are the same people who have EZ-Pass. Coincidence? I think not.

(The only thing worse then winter was this movie. Also, if anyone claims to be the coolest anything, they will never prove it.)

I just got back from a fantastic trip to Florida for a few days and on the plane back to New Hampshire, we had the male stewardess (I know they are called "stewards", I just think male stewardess is more demeaning.) belittle the entire plane over the intercom with "Can I ask why the Heck y'all are going to New Hampshire? I just got back from there and it's cold!". I'd make another joke about the male stewardess but he was actually the prettier of the staff. The other girl was a beast. Remember when air travel was mildly enjoyable? I see less mean and ugly people at Wal-Mart.

Sure, we have family and friends here in the frozen Hell we call home. We also own homes and have jobs. I understand that. We also like the people here. Many of us like the Northeast work ethic or the intensity. I sure do. But what if we just took over a state. I would be all for a hostile takeover of Arkansas or New Mexico. We'd have our friends and family and be warm all the time.

I don't know what the answer is but I honestly don't understand why so many brilliant people live somewhere where we spend 5 months praying it hits 45 degrees out.

Only 92 days until May...

I Hate The Bruins

2009-01-20T20:47:00.003-05:00

I am done with the Boston Bruins.

There are quite a few reasons I have decided to disown the local hockey team. What stands tallest among them is their fans.

My cousin Mike is an actual Bruins fan. He watched the B's before the playoffs started last season. He watched them the year before that. He's a huge hockey fan and loves to play, eat, breathe hockey.

I know about 8 zillion local sports fans. He's the only one that was talking about the Bruins before the playoffs started last year. Suddenly, all of these frauds came out out of the woodwork expressing lifelong love for the Bruins. You heard more about Cam Neely and Ray Bourque in that 2 week period then you had in the 2 years before that.

Why did you hear about 2 guys who haven't played for the team in several years? These were the only players these Bruin "fans" knew. They couldn't name or tell you about anyone on the current squad.

(Another banner night for the Black and Gold)

This ties into the next reason I hate the Bruins. This new attention takes away from the Celtics. I turn on sports radio or turn on the TV to get some Celtics news and now I have to hear about the Bruins. I liked it better when people just didn't talk about the B's rather then pretend to like them.

Also, the Bruins own the TD BankNorth Garden... which is where the Celtics play their home games. Because of this, the Bruins own the right to Saturdays. Therefore, the Celtics never play a regular season home game on a Saturday. This is a huge pain in the ass for me. It's much easier to get to a game on a Saturday then a Friday night when you have to rush out of work.

The Bruins also own the concessions at The Garden. Have you tried eating the food at that place? They don't give a shit. Not only do they charge an insane amount of money for food, they serve you food you wouldn't give a prisoner. I have come to believe use the chicken fingers there to remove anal fissures before they serve the Fingers 'N Fries platter.

(Look out hockey player! That Bruins fan wants to eat you!)

On top of the personal reasons I hate the Boston Bruins, they are a complete joke of a franchise. They haven't won a Stanley Cup since 1972 and have only won 5 Cups since they were founded in 1924.

5 cups is not so bad you say? Remember the NHL had a grand total of SIX teams for 25 years of that time! How do you exist for over 80 years, play in a league of 10 or less teams for over half that time and only walk away with 5 cups?

Other reasons to hate the Bruins:

-Fans still whine about Cam Neely. He retired 13 years ago. Get over it.

-The NHL locked out an entire season. The three major sports have had some stupid lockout/strikes but to piss away an entire season?

-The put banners up for everything. They actually honor teams like the team that was a #1 seed recently that got knocked out by an #8 seed in the first round. That team is actually on a banner. Only the Bruins want to to honor a team that lost in the first round.

-They play games on the Versus network. This is an actual cable channel. No, seriously. It's real. It's called Versus. It's a really good channel. Here are some upcoming shows (this is not a joke): World Extreme Cagefighting, Holy @#%%*!, WEC WrekCage and Turkey Revolution. Those are real shows. This is the flagship of the NHL.

Every game you see the NHL put on a real network like NBC, they have to sell the ad space for and actually give NBC a cut. NBC does nothing but provide the crew to call the game. Think about that. NHL has to pay the ad sales guys, do all the work to set up the ads, pay the players to play in the game AND then give NBC a cut of the ad money. That's how much hockey blows.

-A Bruin is a bear. Who the Hell calls a bear a Bruin?

Feel free to jump on the Bruin Hatewageon with me. Think about how much fun we will have when they choke...again... in the first round to some team from Columbus, Ohio or something.

What a joke.

Change Up

2009-01-18T20:39:00.003-05:00

I know what the media has been shoving down my throat with a huge shovelful of hype.

I do understand this is a historic moment by any estimation.

I also get that a lot of younger people feel empowered or what not because their guy won.

Having said all that, I don't feel like this is big moment of change that everyone says it is. In fact, I don't think much is going to change at all.

First off, I'm a white guy in New Hampshire. The idea of a black president just isn't that big of deal to me. I can understand how other people might see it as a big event but for me personally, it's interesting but at the end of the day, it's really a non-issue.

Secondly, there is only so much a president can do. We've had a Democratic House and Senate for the past couple of years so this isn't really a big change on that front. Sure, Obama will have an easier time getting bills passed with the Dems running the show but what will change?

It sounds like we'll get a stupid and foolish stimulus again. This was dumb when Bush did it the first...and the second time. I hate taxes more then anyone but if we OWE money, why are we giving money away? What if a business was run like that? If we owe huge amounts of money, let's focus on paying that money back. Once we get that deficit down to zero, we can start giving the tax money away.

I hope Obama does things like opens more doors for things like stem cell research and has better domestic relations with other countries. But at the end of the day, these countries still won't love us. Countries bitched about us not getting involved in the late 1930's and countries bitch about us being too involved in this century. Not everyone is going to be happy.

To me, this has as much excitement as George W. Bush's inauguration. To put presidents on this huge pedestal is dangerous and reeks of the same monarchy-esque attitude the Founding Fathers wanted us to steer away from.

At the end of the day, a happy life is about making good decisions and taking personal responsibility. Whoever the president is doesn't change that.

In a way, I feel bad for Obama. he's already been anointed by many as this Great Savior and he hasn't done anything yet. It's really only downhill for him. Let's see him actually do stuff... then I'll get excited.

Tug

2009-01-11T20:04:00.012-05:00

That's our dog Tug. He's also the best dog ever.

But believe it or not, I didn't want him.

On our third date, I found exactly how much Kristy loves dogs. She talked about her family's dogs with such great fondness that I gave her a hypothetical. I asked if there was a random dog tied to train tracks and there was a random human tied 5 feet away on the same tracks and a train was coming and you could only save one, who would you save?

She instantly and unblinkingly chose the dog. I think I called her psychotic. I am also going to marry her which probably says more about me then her.

Anyway, I knew pretty quickly that any life with Kristy was going to include dogs. I never really cared for dogs. In fact, I used to refer to them as hairy retarded people. I didn't want anything around that was going to drool everywhere and attack any guests that were going to come over. It seemed like an unnecessary headache.

When we got the condo, Kristy made getting a dog a top priority. When she said she found a dog but it was going to be a rescued dog coming from Arkansas, I was even less impressed.

(Tug at rest. Tug is at rest often. Kristy says he sleeps 20 hours a day. In related news, Tug is unemployed.)

She found Tug on Petfinder.com and he had spent his first 3 years in a puppy mill. Basically, he had only lived in a cage and as we found out he was physically abused by men working there. A woman rescued Tug and she said she would drive him up to New Hampshire where we would could meet up with her and get Tug.

The first sign something was strange is we were meeting her at a Park And Ride. We get there and the Park and Ride seemed oddly full but we thought nothing of it as we waited to have her come by and to get our dog. My stomach was in a knot all day as I awaited getting this creature that would ruin my calm and quiet house.

When pulled into the Park and Ride in here tattered red minivan, the Park And Ride became Night Of The Living Dead as dozens of people got out of their cars and walked slowly and confused to the minivan. It became obvious this lady did not make this trip just for us.

When the stunningly beautiful woman opened the car door to give us the dogs- wait. I am just kidding. What beautiful woman is going to be driving around with dozens of dogs in tiny cages across the entire East Coast to meet people at a Park And Ride? No, this woman was fat and gross. Every once in a while, you will find a fantastically pretty girl slumming it up at a hair salon or at a Ruby Tuesdays. But you will never see any attractive girl working at the dump or as a school janitor, for instance. That just doesn't happen. They don't drive dozens of caged dogs hundreds of miles either. You can add that to the list.

They literally threw the cage that held Tug to me and we took the incredibly scared dog for an introductory walk before we drove him home.We brought Tug home and he walked in and peed right away all over our light stand in the living room. The problem was the piss was so dark that it looked like Dr. Pepper.

(Tug and myself at the top of Blue Job Mountain. He climbed the mountain and down all by himself. There were other dogs at the top, but he was the smallest by at least a 1/3.)

It ended up he was so dehydrated, they had to cut his skin open to put water packs in. He had infections on him as well. We had also paid to have him fixed and groomed. Our vet said she hadn't seen stitching like that on a dog after getting fixed as it was common the 1800's (seriously.) and I guess grooming meant brushing his fur once as he had three ticks on him. If we hadn't gotten to him he probably would have died between the infections and dehydration.

The first month of having Tug wasn't easy. It took that long to teach him to go the bathroom outside and there is not much worse then coming from a long day of work to clean up piss in a dog crate. He was also learning us as he would often cower from me because he was abused by men in the puppy mill.

But with each passing day, I found I liked Tug more and more. He has become a great friend and it's Tug that watches Sunday football games with me. When I am up insanely late watching movies, Tug is right there with me. When Kristy and I went to an overnight work function last Friday night, we missed Tug greatly.

Whenever people come over the house, they all say they want a dog and many have mentioned wanting to kidnap Tug. The other people in the condo association have raised complaints with every dog in the condo... except Tug. He knows many English words and seems to make everyone who encounters him very happy.

We obviously don't have kids and neither do our sister's so Tug probably gets spoiled too much. He gets Halloween costumes. He has a raincoat, a winter jacket and boots. This is also probably the same reason other countries hate us.

I am a grouch and almost always know exactly what I want. But every once in a while, I am very wrong. This is one of those times. Tug is the best dog I could have asked for and I am very lucky to have him.

...and if I did see Tug tied up on the railroad tracks and a human stranger tied up five feet away and a train was coming, I really think I'd save Tug first.

I Think Heath Ledger Spit In My Face!

2009-01-06T19:40:00.002-05:00

Well not really.

He's dead.

But it practically felt like it!

For Christmas, Kristy bought me a Blu-Ray player. For anyone that doesn't know what that is, it's a DVD player that gives HD quality. It's simply stunning. I purchased The Dark Knight as my first Blu-Ray movie and the opening bank scene had me totally blown away.

The other thing that knocked my socks off was the sound quality. Even with standard speakers, it's brilliantly clear. I can only imagine what it sounds like with a sick home theater system.

The past year, I have been getting all the movie channels from Comcast and it's been OK. The problem is that they recycle movies all the time. I think Rocky Balboa has aired 876 times on each channel since I upgraded my service last year.

(Paulie... I love you. But I am also tired of having you in my living room so much that you should pay rent. At least help with the crazy high cable bill.)

So what I am going to do is cancel all of my movie channels and just buy Blu-Ray movies. It's seriously THAT good. Every week, I'll get a different Blu-Ray movie and I think that will be a lot of fun.

I tried to downgrade my service last week but the thieves at Comcast wouldn't let me as my bundle won't expire until February. The told me if I dump my movie channels now, I lose my "bundle pricing" and it would cost $200/month for non-movie channel cable, phone and Internet. I pay $175 now for that plus the movie channels. Not much of a decision sadly.

Between the bad customer service and the worse actual service, I say I spend a good 4% of my week hating Comcast. I know there are other options like DirecTV or Verizon out there but I already have my phone through Comcast which means I'd need to get a new phone number. Also, if I cancel now, It's not like the NBA package will go with me to DirecTV. But I'll say this. If Comcast was a clothing store, it would be be Ames.

(Even this shithole is better than Comcast.)

Last week's movie was Terminator 2, which as you can imagine, is stellar on the Blu-Ray. In fact, it is so good that some of effects are exposed and you can make out the CGI. It does still hold up amazingly well considering it was made it in 1991. The movie won FOUR Oscars... all for effects and sound but still!

This week (thanks to Comcast) I am on a pretty heavy Blu-Ray budget. I can get Total Recall for $10 or The Untouchables for $15. Although quotes like "They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue." make the decision easier then it probably should be.

Someone with an HD DVD player just cried out loud reading this post.

Best Of The Best: Back To The Future

2009-01-04T20:48:00.003-05:00

Welcome to 2009! This will be the last time we live in a decade of 00's. Oh, some people reading this may make it to 2100 but everyone who does will be "alive" in the sense that you sleep 15 hours a day, the television is your only source of entertainment and most or all of your friends and family will be long dead.

It's also a warm welcome to the Best Of The Best portion of this blog. The first post of each month will deal with The Best Of The Best. It's simply a way to honor things in various forms of pop culture that I really enjoy. It could be a movie one month, a TV show the next, an album, etc. There will be no order to this so even though I am talking about Back To The Future today, it' doesn't mean it's the best movie I've ever seen. I just thought it would be a fun thing to discuss as we enter a new year.

Back To The Future was released in 1985 and made an amazing 210 million bucks. That's not a stunning amount today (It's 80th all-time. 81st? Wedding Crashers.) but when you account for inflation, it jumps to 58th. It was also nominated for four Oscars and even won for Best Sound Effects Editing. Hardly a Titanic-esque tally but it's rare when a science-fiction movie gets an Oscar nod for screenwriting.

It's the rare perfect movie. Not a scene is wasted and it even allows for multiple viewings. My favorite Back To Future "change" is before Marty leaves for 1955, the mall is called Twin Pines Mall. In 1955, he runs over a pine tree and when he returns in 1985, the Mall is changed to Lone Pine Mall. You can see for yourself here.

The rest of the series is quite good but parts II and III do miss Crispin Glover (Marty's Dad) who held out for more money. Part II is a great sequel as it manages to re-do the first one but be a totally different adventure with the same characters. This is opposed to Home Alone 2 which simply took the plot of the first one and then made a really shitty movie. And yes, I've seen Home Alone 2. I'm also not the only one. Home Alone 2 is the 127th highest grossing movie ever. Number 126? Apollo 13. I wish there was a joke there.

Marty McFly was originally supposed to be played by Eric Stoltz and he actually filmed quite a few scenes and had worked on the film for six weeks before they fired him. The director Robert Zemeckis (who later won an Oscar for Forrest Gump) later said he was looking for a bit more comedy and Stoltz was not what he had in mind for the role.

(Eric Stoltz in the funny "Mask". Bob Zmeckis wanted more comedy then this? If I had unlimited amount of money, I would re-make Back To The Future with the original cast except Eric Stoltz would play Marty McFly in the Mask makeup and then take 20 minutes trying to get his huge head into the DeLorean)

Also, the two sequels were shot back to back which is quite rare in Hollywood. The only other recent examples of movies shooting back to back have been the Pirates Of The Caribbean sequels and all three of the horribly nerdtastic Lord Of The Rings movies. Back To The Future movies are the only movies mentioned that don't suck ass nor star Orlando Bloom. This is not a coincidence.

As I finish up this post, I want to re-visit the Eric Stoltz thing. That would haunt me every day if I was him. He has gone on to a nice career as a character actor in movies like Pulp Fiction and Singles. He even got a Golden Globe nomination for Mask.

I wouldn't care. That missed opportunity would torture me. He could have been in one of the biggest movie series of all time and parlayed that into a much better career then Michael J. Fox did. Even Fox in his book admits the choices he made were terrible. If Stoltz had done a nice job in Back To The Future, there is no reason why he wouldn't be a huge household name. He's always been a good actor.

It must be like getting a dream job, getting fired right before the 6 month probationary period ends and then watching your replacement become CEO.

Retire Already!

2008-12-28T23:13:00.003-05:00

Hey Brett Favre! Get lost!

I say this as a Jets fan. I say it as someone who appreciates history. I also understand there is a great need for quarterbacks in the NFL.

I don't care. I honestly hope Brett Favre does not come back to play for my Jets next season.

He said today that he is having an MRI on his "hurt" shoulder to determine if he will come back next season. This puts the Jets into a total lose/lose situation. If he is hurt, the he will retire and that will be that. If he's not hurt, he may come back and we'll get THAT guy back? Ugh. No thanks.

(The good news for Willie Mays with the Mets: He made it to the 1973 World Series. The bad news? He was old he fell down trying to catch a fly ball.)

In an ideal world, the Patriots would not franchise Matt Cassel and the Jets would get him but there is no way the Pats let Cassel go for nothing... and to thier greatest rival.

So where should the Jets turn if there is no Favre? I honestly don't know. Kellen Clemens is junk. Maybe move up int he draft and try to get a rookie QB? Try to grab a cheaper veteran like Brian Griese and then use the extra cap money to get another cornerback? There have to be better options then a 57 year old quarterback that can only play in warm weather.

(Things were hardly "thumbs up" for Patrick Ewing in Orlando.)

I understand why an athlete may want to play until they rip the uniform off of him. It must suck to not be able to do the one thing you have done amazingly well your entire life. But at some point, you have to be mature and understand reality. It's important to know when to walk away. One could argue that Favre was so good last year that it would be foolish to not come back this season. That argument was put to rest this month.

Eric Mangini didn't help. The "Mangenius" seemed perfectly happy to let the Ol' Gunslinger do whatever he wanted (re: pass, pass, pass, pass, run, pass, pass) even though the best player on offense all year has been the running back. Mangini coached with about as much heart in December as Romeo Crennel and with as much brains as... well... Romeo Crennel. Romeo is a really shitty coach.

(Not the Seattle Treat.)

At the end of the day, it is the Patriots who are the most screwed. To be 11-5 and sitting at home while an 8-8 team makes the playoffs is a total joke and proof that the NFL playoff system is broken. Why not go back to the 3 divisions/3 wild card teams? Why have 4 divisions which would allow for less qualified teams to make the playoffs? It's bullshit.

The only silver lining for what has been an awful December football-wise is that for a brief three hour window, Pats fans understood what it is to be a Jets fan. Maybe now they will be a little kinder and gentler in the future.

But, I doubt it.

Santa Claus

2008-12-24T13:33:00.002-05:00

NORTH POLE- Santa Claus, 90, died Tuesday, December 23, 2008, with his wife by his side, at his home on Elfin Lane. He fought a courageous battle with pnuemonia.

He was born on December 25, 1917, the son of Melvin and Ethel Claus. He was predeceased by his father, a sister Dorothy Claus, and his grandson Jonathan Brandis. He was an active member of the Elks Club and the Knights Of Columbus.

His greatest joy was delivering gifts each and every year to what he considered to be good children every Christmas Eve. His hobby was taking care of his reindeer. Santa loved to watch sports. He was an avid fan of numerous elf-related sports including Elf Toss and Horseshoes. His favorite spot in the summer was going to the Nubble Lighthouse in York, Maine. He will be sadly missed by all who knew and loved him.

He leaves his wife of 49 years, Bertha Claus of the North Pole and a son Felipe of Madison, Wisconsin.

Visitation will be held at the Charlie In The Box & Son Funeral Home, 177 Blitzen Drive, on Friday from 2:00 to 4:00 and 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. A Mass of Christian Burial will be celebrated at 12 p.m. on Saturday at Holy Rosary Church, 189 Frostbite Hill, with burial in Our Lady of the Holy Rosary Cemetery in the spring. In lieu of flowers, understanding is requested as no toys will be delivered this year.

To sign the online guest book, please leave a comment.

My New Favorite Streak

2008-12-22T01:11:00.002-05:00

Up until recently, I have only been involved in one streak.

The first time, we got a kid so boozed up, he ran across my college campus in only a "Penis Shirt" (With magic markers we drew the junk on his chest. What I thought was most creative is we added sleeve lines and and a collar with the same marker). It's amazing what people will do in college for a couple cans of free Keystone.

He came back worse for wear from the streak. He had fell in some bushes avoiding the campus police and was a bloody and naked mess by the time he staggered back to the room after having to sign into the other dorm across campus as "Naked Guy".

This streak is much better.

When that picture was taken, the Boston Celtics has just won the 2008 World Championship and I was in the building when it happened. I had just gotten season tickets that season and there was a bit of a feeling like I had climbed the Sports Fan Mountain a bit early.

The great thing about sports is if you look hard enough, you always see new shit. Sometimes, you don't have to look hard at all... like right now.

The Boston Celtics have won 18 games in a row. This ties the longest winning streak in team history. They play the 76ers on Tuesday at home to attempt to break the record. I might actually be more excited about this game then I am for Christmas.

How amazing is this streak? The last time the Celtics lost a game was November 14th. I might be wrong about this but I am pretty sure "Suddenly Susan" was still on the air. The World Champs now have a record of 26-2. They are the General Sherman of the NBA right now.

(If the Celtics were a Civil War Character, they'd be this guy. If the Oklahoma City Thunder were a Civil War Character, they'd be the first guy you see get killed in the movie "Glory".)

The best part about this current streak has been how players like Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins have seemingly gotten better with each passing week. Perkins has become a consistent double/double machine and Rondo may be the best point guard in the Eastern Conference.

(The Kings Of Streak)

It's not very hard to be a better streak then a fat kid named Trevor running around with male genitalia crudely drawn on his chest and nothing else on but one thing is for certain. This Celtics streak will be a tough to beat.

I do hope it ends better though. Trevor wound up leaving school after failing most of his classes in his only college semester. I haven't heard a thing from him in over 7 years and in my imagination he's either working in a gas station or a high powered military assassin.

(A big thanks to The Truth About Mike who was cool enough to give Chris The Grouch a big time plug on his much bigger site. It's also worth the attention as it is one of the best blogs out there easily.)

The Iceman Go Awayth

2008-12-17T22:07:00.003-05:00

(Continued from yesterday's post)

The worst part about being out of power is that house you drive by that has power is like getting a slap in the face. What makes it even more horrible is when you lose power during Christmastime. People have Christmas lights out drive you crazy. It was almost like the people who were literally wasting energy were flipping me off with every white and blue light I saw. If i lived across the street from someone who had power and they had Chistmas lights out, I'd go across the street and stab them to death with an icicle. Or at the very least, I'd camp out in the nativity scene. At least I can read in there.

So here I sat at 1 PM on Saturday and the power went out at 10PM on Thursday. The temperture in the house was down to 55 and I had enough. My stepfather helped me put the battery in my car and I decided to get out of Dover and visit my grandmother in Saugus. Anything was better then sitting in a cold and growing colder house with no power while I stressed out about what I would do if the pipes froze.

I was driving over the state line when I got a phone call to let me know we had power at our house. I visited my Nana and went home to find out while I had power and heat, I had no internet or cable.

Missing out on a Football Sunday was painful but when I got to work the next day, I had no idea how lucky I actually was. As late as today, there was someone without power still.

I happily found my internet and cable restored when I went home for lunch. After catching the World Champion Celtics kick the Jazz in the ass Monday night, I started to feel sicker and sicker on the drive home.

I made it to work but my throat felt like it was on fire and when the power went out at my work again, I decided to call it a day. The power was back on at my work in a couple of hours but I was asleep until 4. I am pretty sure sleeping in the cold house on Friday night kicked my ass. If forced to be a construction worker or some blue collar job that forced me to work outside, I'd make it an estimated 186 minutes before going home.

I am feeling better today but I am seriously done with this shit. While not a bad Christmas season in the tragic sense (no one died or anything), it's been really lousy and almost everyone I know has been affected. Co-workers have sat in cold houses and relatives had basements flooded. As shitty as my weekend was, I was one of the "lucky" ones.

In short, go to Hell Iceman. No one likes you.

I Have Never Felt So Powerless!

2008-12-16T20:36:00.002-05:00

What a long, horrible week it has been.

Good things that happened over the last week: The World Champion Boston Celtics kept winning and now have a 15 game winning streak.

Bad things that happened over the last week: Everything else.

Wednesday night, I went Christmas shopping. My plan each year is to suck it up and knock it all out in one shot. One night to deal with the huge crush of people at the malls. I actually found this year to be easier then any other season past. The mall was amazing empty. I didn't have to wait at all at Best Buy. I remember having lines 20 deep there. This year, I was able to go right to the counter... and there were only three registers open.

I got all my shopping done and went to my car feeling very pleased. Well, I was pleased until I put my key in the ignition and turned.

Nothing.

My battery was dead.

I had to call Kristy who had to come to Newington and give my car a jump. The car did start right up and I made a beeline for home. Even though shopping was easier then usual, by this point I was exhausted and annoyed and just wanted to be home.

(Where this Hellish story begins...)

I make it home and I decided to test the battery again as I would need the car on Friday.

Dead. Again.

I would need a new battery. Now, if I hadn't been in such a hurry to get home I could have just gone to Sears and them throw one in but instead, now I was home a good 12 miles away.

The news on Thursday was the incoming ice storm. I must say that most of Thursday, the worst you saw was some light freezing rain. Once the sun went down, the rain did pick up but I thought to myself this was nothing like the intense storm the forecasters predicted.

Then the power went out at 10 PM. It did come back on at 3:30AM but went off again at 5:30... not to come back on for awhile.

I had turned the heat up in my house to 69 with the intention of turning it up even more when I went to bed to give us some wiggle room if the power went off but it beat me to it.

Kristy woke me up and I went into work knowing that the power would be off because I am on the same grid as my work. I hadn't showered and was instantly shocked how many trees were down even in downtown Dover. When I made it to work only 4 of the over 30 people that work there were actually present. They sent us home right away as it was very clear power was not coming on for awhile.

I went home bored and without a car, nothing to do and nowhere to go. I slept most of the afternoon and luckily ended up going to the Celtics/Hornets game that night which gave me something to do. Seeing James Posey get his ring was easily the highlight of my week.

Kristy and our dog Tug went to her grandmothers old house which had a wood stove for heat and I went back to our house to keep an eye on it overnight. When I got back home from the game, it was 58 in the house. I lit some candles, made a drink or a few and read Desperate Networks (this is an inside TV networks book by Bill Carter who also wrote the amazing The Late Shift. If you are interested in how TV networks pick shows and who makes those decisions, pick up Desperate Networks. It's a really good book) until I was drunk enough to pass out.

I woke up a few times during the night and by 8 AM, I couldn't make myself sleep anymore and got up. The temperature in the house was now down to 56 and I was cold. I got myself dressed and walked to my gym because I was really starting and needed a shower quite badly. I was concerned I would have to wait to take a shower but the locker room was empty.

Well almost empty.

I get in there and there is a guy in there putting paper towels down in front of all the showers and muttering to himself while he hangs up numerous articles of clothing all over the gym. I wince and the thought of having to deal with an insane person this early in the morning was almost too much to bear but then I smelt myself again and decided I needed the shower enough to deal with this guy.

On my way to the shower, the guy is in the corner of the room picking through the trash. I start the water and instantly know I won't be enjoying a relaxing shower. He immediately pipes up that if I let the water run it will heat up. I muttered a thanks and almost started crying that this was the first person I spoke to all day. When I was a kid growing up, I imagine the first person I'd be speaking too when I was 29 would be my wife or maybe a son or daughter. Nope. Some homeless guy in a locker room where I would take my first shower in two days.

Awesome.

I took the quickest shower in history, checked my wallet and sprinted out of the gym. When I got home at 10, the power was still out and the house was down to 55.

To Be Continued...

Taking Out The Trash

2008-12-09T23:33:00.000-05:00

I really like living in Dover, New Hampshire.

It's a cool town and not only do I live there but I also work there. It has a efficient and fun downtown and everything I really need is only a short to medium walk away. I have a 8 minute to walk to work so it feels like a city in that effect. I can walk to the bank, library, supermarket, gym, over a dozen restaurant/bars and I even go home for lunch. The best part is that considering it's New Hampshire, Dover have no real crime.

Would I rather be living in Boston or New York City? There are times I definitely feel that way but the older I get, the more I like Dover and appreciate it. The other nice thing about being in Dover is I can be on the T in an hour drive or I can take a direct Amtrak ride that brings me right to Boston Garden to see the World Champion Boston Celtics.

The other clutch thing about living in New Hampshire is not paying sales or income tax. Well... it's clutch everyday but Trash Day.

I hate Trash Day. The whole project is a clusterfuck. This week managed to ratchet up to a whole different level.

First off, we have to pay for each trash bag we buy. A 30 gallon bag costs $2.00. So, what most people do is they buy a package of 10 bags when they go to the supermarket. When I first moved here and they asked me for 20 bucks for 10 trash bags, I almost threw up all over the place.

Recycling however is free so I spend a good portion of my week trying to figure out what we can/can't recycle and separating my trash. Despite having a job and a mortgage, I am basically a homeless person when it comes to picking through trash.

(Me on a Tuesday night)

So what we do is use regular bags all week and then on Tuesday nights, I spend a good 10 minutes trying to stuff as many garbage bags as I can into a 30 gallon bag. It's awesome.

I forgot to buy trash bags this week at the supermarket so I went to the gas station to get some this time. It's the newest gas station in town and it prides itself on being a "congreenience" store. I honestly don't give a fuck. All I want is gas for my car and some goddamn trash bags. This was the closest option.

(These hippies are giving Mother Nature a slow bleed as opposed to Exxon who just is shooting her in the head)

So I go in there and the guy behind the counter was all relaxed and these shitty LED lights illuminated the cheapass bamboo floors. I sighed in disgust, quietly thanked God I am too scrawny to fall through the floor and asked for trash bags. Here's where I get fucked in the ass.

There are two kinds of trash bags. You have the 15 gallon which go for $1.45 or the 30 gallon that go for $2.00. Nope. check that. The 30 gallon bags went up since the last time I bought them. Now, it's $2.15. So, I plunk down my $21.50 for 10 fucking bags and I leave Woodstock meets Dubai and get in my car and go home.

Well, I go outside to do the trash tonight and guess what? That goddamn hippie gave me the wrong bags. I now have ten 15 gallon bags that I bought for $21.50. To make matters better, the regular bags I use during the week don't fit in the 15 gallon bags so I was literally picking through trash. I actually said out loud "Now which is the least gross garbage I can take out to lessen this garbage bag?" Then I remembered I have a degree and I started openly crying.

At least I think it was tears. It may have been garbage juice. Who knows? I am just glad none of the neighbors saw me and tried to give me change or something.

So yeah... we don't have an income tax or sales tax. But, I also just spent 20 minutes fighting with my trash tonight. And the best part?

I still have eight 15 gallon bags left.

To Walk Along The Lonely Street Of Dreams

2008-12-08T23:11:00.000-05:00

And here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known

-Whitesnake

I spend much of life following rules or habits that I feel are important. Perhaps the most important is quoting the immortal band Whitesnake as often as possible.

Of course when I say "immortal", I mean "sorta shitty".

The reason for the unprovoked attack on David Coverdale and friends? I want to start writing again. When I was looking back on the last year, I was stunned how uncreative I've been and writing is a great outlet for me.

(Member of Whitesnake (1976–1982, 1982–1991, 1994, 1997–1998, 2002–forever?)

I also went back and looked at older blogs I had written and was somewhat stunned how heavy handed the sarcasm and anger was. I'm not quite that angry anymore but I probably get annoyed easier and I figured that could be an interesting take.

So what's this blog going to be about and should you waste your time reading it? Well that really depends. If you are unemployed, then you have nothing better to do anyway.

People who should read the blog:
Tom Brady
Bob Barker
Homeless people at Best Buy or the local library

People who should't read the blog:
Barack Obama
Brett Favre (QB of the first place NY Jets)
Kevin Garnett

I still don't know exactly what this blog is going to be about. I know I will be doing The Best Of The Best each month to celebrate things in pop culture/life that should be enshrined. Expect other blogs about me complaining about rap music, men who wear jewelry/piercings, stay at home Mom's and anything else that happens to annoy me.

So come back tomorrow. I am sure something will have annoyed me enough to bitch about. What the Hell else are you going to do?

Watch TV?

Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
'cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams